Infertility will always be a part of who I am.

I am working on my lap top - a lap top that has been a crappy one to work on, so I stopped using it and worked on my desktop - but with Camilla here I want to be more mobile around the house again...anyway - I found this old Microsoft Word document that I typed up.  Who knew that two years from this writing, I would have another baby in my arms to call my own.

I titled it - Not Pregnant and it was written in August 2012

"I'm sad.  I set myself up for failure bad this month.  I thought with good eating habits and positive thinking that my body would welcome a pregnancy.  I was wrong.  I am powerless over of this aspect of my life and it is tearing me to shreds.  I love my little boy and really want siblings for him.  He wants them too.  I don’t think I have ever cried so much after starting my period (except for my miscarriages of course…but those don’t count).  I told Patric I just can’t do this anymore.  I can’t feel so sad every month….though some months are better than others.  Most months I feel empowered and want to try something new.

This month I am throwing in the towel.  I quit.  I seriously can’t do this anymore.  I hate the rollercoaster of emotions I feel.  I told Patric to hide my thermometer.  I don’t want to know what my body is doing anymore.  I wish I never got cervical signs because then I would REALLY be in the dark about my body.  Maybe those will go away as well. I am only 29 years old, and have been struggling with this for 3 years.  I am healthy by all aspects of my life…and yet, my body just will not get pregnant.  I have tried fertility treatments…they didn’t work.  I can’t fathom spending 20k on more fertility treatments, so that isn’t going to happen.

I just want to be happy and move on…but it hurts so much to accept this.  I want to be able to accept it and move on.  I don’t want to cry anymore.  But even saying I am done, I can’t do this anymore, makes me hurt.  So when will I start to heal?  When will I be able to get over not filling my home with children?  I find myself wanting to sabotage my eating habits so that I know my body is not healthy to carry a child…granted I have only been doing this for two days now..since  I am currently on my period.  I don’t want to gain a lot of weight though, as I do want to look good.  It will be a constant struggle for me to just eat right and work out no matter what!  I don’t want even a hope of getting pregnant.  I wonder if I will go so far as to avoid sex during ovulation?  I probably won’t..which will cause a sense of hope in me everything month anyway.  Maybe I should avoid it?

When people ask me, is this your only son, are you having more?  I will answer, yes he is my only, and no I am not having more.  Usually I say, if God sends me more…I hate how nosy people are.

One thing that is good is that I am not angry at other people who get pregnant and have babies.  There have been too many women that I know who have struggled the last three years for me to ever feel anger or jealousy anymore.  I am not the only one with fertility issues.  I have never had to go through a still-born birth, or a 20 week loss, or have a child born with disabilities.  I have one smart, strong, healthy little boy and I am forever grateful for that.  I just want this ache inside of me to go away."

Thank goodness I don't have to have these types of feelings anymore - but I will forever know how to relate and give experience to those who are/have walked in my shoes and show empathy.

-Sasha