Disclaimer on this blog:
What I am about to write should just go in a journal tucked away somewhere to magically take away all that I feel...but...I don't have a journal, this has sort of been my journal, so while I am opening this up to the world to read, I don't want anyone coming up to me to talk about what I write. Feel free to leave messages, but I don't want to be bombarded with information or thoughts or whatever to my face. For once, I ask for you to talk to me behind my back! haha. Also--if you get easily offended, don't read either.
I don't know if I ever wrote that I was doing clomid. I don't know if I wanted that to be out in the blog world or not. If you didn't know...well now you do. And while clomid made me ovulate earlier in my cycle...I did not get pregnant on the three rounds I was prescribed. My doctor only wanted to do three rounds, which I am grateful for because I didn't think it was going to work anyway.
When I think back on how I wanted my life to go, I can tell you, I never thought fertility issues would rock my world. I always had in the back of my mind, oh my husband is going to die young, I never will get married(ha..I got married at 20), I am going to be a Social Worker in a hospital to help families with cancer in the family (if you can believe it...that is what I initially wanted to do with my life), etc.
When we decided to try for a 2nd child in December 2008 I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be here on August 8, 2011 without one or two more children in my arms. Patric and I discussed how many kids we wanted when we were dating. I can assure you, one kid was never in the discussions. And yet, I think that is all we will have. And typing that out is SO hard. I have tried EVERYTHING, within our financial means, to have my own little baby in my arms again. It hurts so much knowing that Josh is growing up so quickly and soon I won't have someone to be with me during the days anymore. I often feel alone (though I know I am not alone...I have a few dear friends that have or are going through what I am). I often want to run away and be by myself. I can't always hide how I feel, I wear my emotions on my face so well.
We have three options now - IUI, IVF and adoption. We don't have the money for IVF and honestly, I just don't think I have the mental capacity to do it. I don't think I could adopt either, though I have often thought about fostering children. This leaves IUI..which we may or may not do. My insurance only covers half of it...and we don't have much cash anyway...and there isn't MUCH higher of a chance doing it anyway.
Going through this has been like going through the grief cycle 12 months out of the year. Every time I am not pregnant that month, I get angry, sad, and then I get over it. Until the next month...and lets do it all again. I just want to move to acceptance that it isn't going to happen and move on with my life. I don't want the emotional rollercoaster anymore. I feel like I am such a horrible mom because I can't see the child in front of me half the time because I am constantly longing for the one I don't have. And if you know my son, you know that he is the most loving and caring little boy ever. I don't think I could have gotten a better kid. So I am VERY grateful to have him.
So...here is my post to say I am moving on. I am accepting the life that has been thrown my way. I am switching the focus back to me...I lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks...think I can do it again? For me, I have to have something to focus on. Obviously I can't say that Patric and I will EVER stop trying because we don't have to wear protection...since we have gone 2.5 years without it! So there is always a chance and there will always be hope. But I can say, I am not going to stop exercising while I wait to know if I am pregnant. I am not going to over indulge in foods I shouldn't eat because hopefully I will just be pregnant anyway. I will TRY to accept the fact that I have friends that will always have more kids than me. I think that is the hardest part. I wish I could be thrown on an island with people who only have one kid and have tried and tried and tried for another and can't conceive...for no apparent reason at all.
I know I have much to be grateful for...so I want to accept this part of my life so I can fully appreciate the other parts of my life that are so great.
Don't be alarmed when you see my super skinny again. I AM eating...I DO want to lose weight, I NEED to have a focus other then trying to get pregnant.
If you have read this from start to finish, I applaud you. It is not uplifting...and I am not trying to be. I have been battling my feelings for so long...trying to put on a happy face when on the inside I am falling apart. It may take me awhile to truly feel happy...I hope not too long. I just want to feel the happiness that I know I have felt, again.