Sasha & Patric & Josh & Camilla Too!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Infertility will always be a part of who I am.

I am working on my lap top - a lap top that has been a crappy one to work on, so I stopped using it and worked on my desktop - but with Camilla here I want to be more mobile around the house again...anyway - I found this old Microsoft Word document that I typed up.  Who knew that two years from this writing, I would have another baby in my arms to call my own.

I titled it - Not Pregnant and it was written in August 2012

"I'm sad.  I set myself up for failure bad this month.  I thought with good eating habits and positive thinking that my body would welcome a pregnancy.  I was wrong.  I am powerless over of this aspect of my life and it is tearing me to shreds.  I love my little boy and really want siblings for him.  He wants them too.  I don’t think I have ever cried so much after starting my period (except for my miscarriages of course…but those don’t count).  I told Patric I just can’t do this anymore.  I can’t feel so sad every month….though some months are better than others.  Most months I feel empowered and want to try something new.
This month I am throwing in the towel.  I quit.  I seriously can’t do this anymore.  I hate the rollercoaster of emotions I feel.  I told Patric to hide my thermometer.  I don’t want to know what my body is doing anymore.  I wish I never got cervical signs because then I would REALLY be in the dark about my body.  Maybe those will go away as well. I am only 29 years old, and have been struggling with this for 3 years.  I am healthy by all aspects of my life…and yet, my body just will not get pregnant.  I have tried fertility treatments…they didn’t work.  I can’t fathom spending 20k on more fertility treatments, so that isn’t going to happen.
I just want to be happy and move on…but it hurts so much to accept this.  I want to be able to accept it and move on.  I don’t want to cry anymore.  But even saying I am done, I can’t do this anymore, makes me hurt.  So when will I start to heal?  When will I be able to get over not filling my home with children?  I find myself wanting to sabotage my eating habits so that I know my body is not healthy to carry a child…granted I have only been doing this for two days now..since  I am currently on my period.  I don’t want to gain a lot of weight though, as I do want to look good.  It will be a constant struggle for me to just eat right and work out no matter what!  I don’t want even a hope of getting pregnant.  I wonder if I will go so far as to avoid sex during ovulation?  I probably won’t..which will cause a sense of hope in me everything month anyway.  Maybe I should avoid it?
When people ask me, is this your only son, are you having more?  I will answer, yes he is my only, and no I am not having more.  Usually I say, if God sends me more…I hate how nosy people are.
One thing that is good is that I am not angry at other people who get pregnant and have babies.  There have been too many women that I know who have struggled the last three years for me to ever feel anger or jealousy anymore.  I am not the only one with fertility issues.  I have never had to go through a still-born birth, or a 20 week loss, or have a child born with disabilities.  I have one smart, strong, healthy little boy and I am forever grateful for that.  I just want this ache inside of me to go away."

Thank goodness I don't have to have these types of feelings anymore - but I will forever know how to relate and give experience to those who are/have walked in my shoes and show empathy.


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Camilla is here!

I went to my appointment on Wednesday, Camilla's due date, and there was really no indication that she was going to come anytime soon.  I was ok with it, as my hope was to have her over a weekend, so as to not disrupt much of Josh's life.

Thursday evening, Patric had school, so Josh and I were able to spend some time together.  We watched a movie together, prayed together and he went to bed.  Patric came home from work, and I had suggested that he give me a blessing for the imminent birth of our daughter.  With Josh, we knew I was going to be induced, so we knew when to give a blessing.  I told Patric it may be best to have the blessing now, as I was already 40 weeks and 1 day.  An interesting line of the blessing was, the baby could come at any minute.  I literally stood up from the blessing and my water broke!  I am not even kidding...

I wasn't quite sure if that was what it was...I tiptoed to the bathroom and more gushed out into the toilet.  Then, of course, more and I knew it must be my water - I was not peeing myself!  I was told by my doctor to have a successful VBAC that I shouldn't rush to the hospital.  I had a few contractions over the night, but nothing crazy.  The water continued to gush though..that was gross and uncomfortable!

We walked Josh to school on Friday morning, got everything ready in the house, dropped stuff off at my mom's house and then we headed to the hospital.  By the time I got to the hospital, my water was already broken for 12 hours.  I was checked around 11am, and my cervix was still high and only dilated 1 cm.  We started pitocin and discussed other items with the doctor on call.  I continued to labor, the contractions were coming on stronger - but no further dilation.  I knew I was on a schedule, as hospitals do not like letting a woman go over 24 hours with broken water, because of the risk of infection.  The doctor was not saying anything about c section at this point though, as she knew my desire to have as natural a birth as possible.

The doctor comes in around 4p and nothing has changed still.  I felt like my body hates my desire to VBAC.  After she left the room, I said to Patric, I think we need to pull the plug.  I didn't want to labor another 6 hours without any change and risk Camilla's life either.  I didn't want to have an emergency c-section either, because that poses more risk.  So we called the nurse and doctor back in and said we just wanted to go with another c-section.  I suppose it looks like I quit on my VBAC desires, but more, it was, Camilla is healthy, I am healthy...I don't want to push my luck.  My cervix isn't cooperating and I am not going to continue to pump drugs through to try to get something going if it isn't going to happen.  Plus - my water was now broken for about 18 hours.  I have determined that I have a cervix of steel!

So they let me walk to the operating room - which is much better then having to be wheeled in on a bed (like I did with Josh).  The doctor attempts to do a spinal.  I warned him of my previous c section with Josh and that the epidural was too low for a c section.  But he tried anyway - bless his heart.  He did get the spinal in on the first try...which was much better then the doctor at Fair Oaks.  I had two different doctors and about a million pokes on my back - it was traumatic and I never wanted to go through that again if I could help it.

When the doctor got it in on the first try - I joked with him that he must feel like the king of the world right now.  He was feeling pretty proud of himself- I could tell.  But...then when he tested whether I could feel things - change. The spinal didn't work - and I had to be put under general anesthesia again.  So, out I go - Camilla comes out apparently (not that I was awake) - she had her apgar scores of 7 and 9 - better then Josh - Josh had 5 and 8.  But - she had fluid in her lungs so they took her to the nursery right way to put her on a breathing machine to help her out.

Camilla was born at 5:12p November 7, 2014.  She weighed 7 lbs 11 oz and was 21 3/4 inches long.   My second baby was smaller then my first...which is what I told the doctor at Kaiser back on October 31....not all second babies are bigger!

Anyway - I didn't even wake up and get put back into my room until about 7:30p.  I don't know why I was under for so long this time.  I remember being awake much faster when I had Josh, and I was able to hold him right away after I woke up.  Camilla wasn't ready to come to my room and I wasn't able to get to the nursery.  Patric had to bounce between checking on me and checking on Camilla.  I told him I was fine and to go be with Camilla.  Poor guy was super stressed and worried about both of us!  I don't envy his Friday night!  He also started talking with the pediatrician and my doctors and nurses to get Camilla and I connected.  I was getting annoyed that I wasn't able to hold my baby and they wouldn't let me get up out of bed to go to her.  Finally, around 945p they brought Camilla to me and she was asleep - so I didn't even get to nurse her right away.  When she did finally wake up - she nursed like she had been doing it for years - and the rest is history.

My baby is healthy- I am healthy - though recovering from this c section has been more rough then Josh's.  I was also 23 back maybe that is why it was easier?  Camilla continued to be healthy at the hospital and I was healing well too - so we got out of the hospital around 11am Sunday morning.  It was nice to get out of there so quickly!

I took Camilla to her first doctor appointment after being in the hospital yesterday, and she is already back up to her birth weight.  She dropped to about 7 lbs 6 oz at the hospital, but she was 7 lbs 11 oz two days little girl is an eater!

Josh is so in love with his little sister.  He loves to hold her and kiss her.  He hasn't been too jealous either, which is nice.  I was worried this was going to be such a big change for him and he would hate us - but he says he doesn't and that he loves Camilla.

Here are some pictures of the last few days.
Camilla finally gets her breathing machine off - I still hadn't seen her at this point.
I finally get to meet my little girl.  I am in heaven!
I couldn't stop kissing her!!
She was born with this mark - apparently she sucked on her wrist in the womb.  She still tries to do it now, though her clothes are in the way.
Josh's first meeting of Camilla in the hospital.  He was so excited.
This is our - busting out of the hospital sucka face/outfit.

Patric took this picture after I fed Camilla.  She loves to snuggle and I am happy to snuggle her back.

Her first outfit to visit the doctor.  Perfect in every way.

Josh asked me if he could hold Camilla.  Of course you can!  And then he immediately went to give her a kiss.  This is not a staged photo.

I call this the milk coma...she just finished eating and was out.

We are so excited to have another little one in the home.  Even more blessed that she is healthy!


Thursday, October 30, 2014

All about this pregnancy!

Ok - so let's back up now to holy crap - Sasha is pregnant?  After all those horrible years of pathetically sad blog posts!

So - Patric and I go the home equity line of credit - and he and I both we remodel the bathroom or do full blown IVF.  We both decided that the bathroom remodel was the better choice.  It was something that for sure would happen.  And I had said after the mini-ivf cycle failed that that was it...I can't put anymore money into this.  I even wanted to get rid of all the baby stuff in the fall of 2012.  Patric said no though - so we didn't.

Anyway - fast forward - we start with the bathroom remodel and we are happy - it is closure, it means we chose to move on from trying to conceive.  Of course, there was always a chance - but I really was moving on.  I did meet someone who gave me some info on herbs and I started taking them in the summer of 2013 - they really helped regulate my hormones and I was having normal cycles again!  Some even as short as 28 days...but NEVER over 35 days again after I started the herbs.  This was HUGE to me, so I kept taking them, because I knew they were helping my body operate the way it should.

In January, a good friend of mine, my sister though this infertility journey, let me know that she was pregnant.  I was, of course, ECSTATIC for her...but then of course my thoughts turn to...did we make the right choice choosing the bathroom over trying medical interventions again.  Again, I felt like we did make the right choice and was ok again.

Patric quit his job.  His last day was near the end of January.

We had A LOT of snow this winter... A LOT!  And it happened to snow the week of Valentine's Day.  I will tell you there was no action on Valentine's Day - we actually went to my brother Ian's house that day - and when we came just wasn't on my mind haha.

Come February 27-28...I am looking at the calendar and I start asking Patric - when did we have "relations"...haha.  I didn't tell him why or anything, but something was off.  I counted the days and I was like, hmm...well...maybe I am just off?  I didn't know when I ovulated this month - which after 4-5 years of tracking ovulation, I didn't need a test to let me know...I knew.  And this month I DIDN'T KNOW!  I had stopped taking my temperature months ago, didn't track anything...this is literally the first month I had no clue...which was actually great!

February 28 was a Friday.  I remember because they had a movie night at Josh's school.  I didn't want to go, I was feeling a little tired and sick to my stomach.  I stayed home - but Josh and Patric went.  I decided to pop some popcorn and watch a movie as well.  I didn't eat much of the popcorn - it was making me feel sick.  This was my second though - hmm...what is going on?  I love popcorn.

Saturday comes - I am crampy and so I just figure - eh, I will probably start soon...but if I make it to Sunday I am probably pregnant.  Obviously no signs of a period Saturday.

Sunday comes and goes...still no period - still crampy.  I don't have any tests in the house - remember, we moved I never kept the,.

Of course, Monday comes - and it snows.  March 3 it snowed and Josh was out of school...again.  I didn't want to make a trip to the store to buy a test that was going to be negative anyway - so we didn't go.  At this point, I have let Patric know that I think I am late.  I even texted my sister to let her know I think I am late.

Tuesday - March 4 - we go to target in the afternoon.  Patric is like - just take the test in the morning.  I was like, uh, at this point, if I am pregnant it should say I am - regardless of the time of day - because I believe I was at like 37 or 38 days now into my cycle...which wouldn't normally be weird except I was still taking herbs and my body was regulated and I never went past 35 days anymore.

So I took the test.  and then I laid down in my bed.  I didn't want to look at it...because now I had my hopes up.  Now I NEEDED a positive test - even though I had told myself I had moved on.  So I made Patric go look.  He came out of the bathroom with a face that could have gone either way.  He walked it over to me, showed me it and then we hugged and cried.  I told him that we will enjoy this, no matter how long it lasts...because having three losses before I know that it isn't a sure thing just because I am pregnant.

Patric feels we need to tell Josh right away - I would have rather waited...but he really wanted to tell someone and I told him we weren't going to tell many people until after the 1st trimester was over.  So we told Josh but swore him to secrecy.  He did great by the way!  He didn't tell a soul!  I did tell my sister and I told my mom.

When I made my first appointment, they had me come in - confirm the pregnancy, do an ultrasound...and there is a possibility of twins.  My HCG levels were quite high as over 5000 and I believe I was like almost 6 weeks then.  There was also another sack, though it wasn't a normal formed one, so my doctor had me come back about a week later to check on it.  By then, the sack is gone and I am relieved.  I love babies, but not sure I could do two at once!  Big props to my friend Anna for being an awesome mom of well as all the other friends I know who have had twins!

So anyway - moving forward - all looks good.  I tend to miscarry early - like 5-6 weeks, so I figure we may be in the clear.  We go to sweden, of course we let them know over there, and we come home and have another appointment in which case, all is still developing and I am out of the first trimester.  So I made the FB announcement.  All the world now knows!  Holy crap, things could still go wrong, but I feel pretty confident.

We have a few more uneventful months and appointments.  I go to girls camp (I always swore if I got pregnant I wouldn't go to girls camp...but then I didn't want to miss it with my girls!  Crazy how that worked out).

Anyway - we have the big ultrasound around 20 weeks(which I just realize was before school ended so before camp.  Josh had some weird vomiting episode for two mornings and was fine the rest of the day but we didn't let him go to he missed the last two days of school and got to go to the ultrasound with us)...and of course, the little stinker isn't very cooperative.  I had to lay and shift and all that jazz for an hour!  The ultrasound tech was having a difficult time getting measurements, let alone a gender shot.  I was SO done!  The last two things the tech needed was the heart shots and she was willing to try again to see the gender shot.  She got her heart shots and then she saw the gender.   She was about 95% sure it was a girl.  Our little girl is a lot more modest then Josh.  She had her legs closed the majority of the ultrasound and even shied away from the ultrasound wand when it would come close...I don't think she liked the ultrasound being done on her.

So - we find out its a girl...I think... and I am super excited!  Patric and Josh sort of wanted another boy...but a girl balances us!  Plus- I would love to dress up a little girl!!

The rest of the summer is uneventful...getting bigger...and uncomfortable.  I have been much better this pregnancy about exercising and taking care of myself.  I am not perfect - but I walked a lot and ate better than I did with Josh.

I didn't have gestational diabetes with Josh and I don't with Camilla.  Not Group B positive either.  Got an ultrasound around 36-37 weeks - all looks good.  Baby's head is down.  My doctor is totally on board with a VBAC - so now we are just in the waiting mode.  I am 39 weeks and 1 day today.  I had Josh at 39 weeks 4 days - but I was induced and ultimately had a c-section.  I don't want another c-section if I can avoid it.  I want to experience child crazy as that is!

So - here are some pictures through the months!

We have one of her earlier - but this is the ultrasound we showed to announce she was coming on FB.  She is about 13 weeks here.
Here I am about 16 weeks
Proof miracles happen!  Anna pregnant with her twins and me about 17 weeks pregnant.

20 weeks pregnant - getting ready to go for a walk

Camilla at 20 weeks - she has some long legs!

This is me at 25 weeks on vacation at the beach - about to go for a walk

This is 27 weeks - hello third trimester!  Getting large!

 This is 32 weeks and 4 days.  It is fun to have all of these pictures because I didn't take a lot when I was pregnant with Josh.  I hated how I looked and felt about my body.  It's funny how things change!
Josh talking to his sister - this is 34 weeks

This is 37 weeks and 2 days

 Here I am at 39 weeks!  
She can come anytime now!!  We want to meet you little Camilla!!

There you go - that is my pregnancy story in a nutshell.  Tonight is trunk or treat, tomorrow is Halloween - and then I am ready for her to come whenever she likes (preferably sooner rather than later!).


Man...where has the time gone?

So - to be fair - for about 9 months I have been trying to find the log in information for this blog...and I couldn't figure it out.  I showed Patric our blog last night - to sort of reminisce, and of course, he found a way to get the log in information.  If only I had talked to him about it 9 months ago!!

So - here are some highlights from July 2013 - October 30, 2014.

-We were accepted as foster parents - though through the entire year and a half we have only been contacted once to care for a child while his foster parents went out of town.  They call this respite care.

-Josh started and finished 1st grade.  He really blossomed in 1st grade.  He had an AWESOME teacher, Mrs. Lemen, who really worked with his strengths and weaknesses.  He became a bookworm and a writer.  She also recommended him for the gifted program and he was accepted into it.  I was so worried he wouldn't get in - I kept asking him if he really wanted to try to be in it and it was ok if he didn't get in.  He would respond, well, Sage (his cousin) got into the program, so I will too.  Sage has always been super smart so I told him that doesn't necessarily mean you will get in.  I also prepped him for not getting in by saying he could always be tested again next year if he didn't get in.  Anyway - he got in and he LOVES spending every Thursday with Mrs. Doyle.

- We had another Christmas where Josh got the flu (or sick for a week...I assume it was the flu).  We are taking precautionary measures this year!  He immediately washes his hands and face when he gets home from school and we switched his showers to AFTER school instead of before. I hope he will stay healthy this Christmas!

- Around Thanksgiving 2013 Patric came home and told me basically his boss told him to look for another job.  I guess they had a disagreement and his rude boss told him to look elsewhere.  Patric took him seriously - though I don't think he was expecting Patric to - because in January 2014 Patric gave his boss his two week notice and it caught his boss off guard.
-Patric started going to school in January.  Great program through BYU-Idaho - the Pathway program.  For 10 years Patric has talked about going back to school.  We even looked into it for the Spring/Summer 2013, but we couldn't get him a student loan because of some weird rule regarding him not signing up for the draft when he was 19 - even though he wasn't an American citizen.  To fix that, we would need his passports from when he was 19 on to handle the situation and well...we don't have them.  So I was like, well - you are going to have to figure something out - and he was again very frustrated.  And then...over the pulpit at church, they announced this new Pathway program and I KNEW this is why he couldn't get a student loan just a few months earlier - because he wasn't supposed to go to school yet.  And Pathway is cheap enough that we do not need student it worked out great!  Patric is in his 3rd semester - he has gotten As in all of his classes - he is officially accepted into BYU-I now...just need to sign him up for classes for January - once we figure out which ones he should take.  We still have about 3 years ahead of us of school for him - but it will be so very worth it to him when it is done.

- Oh - I am pregnant!  9 months pregnant to be exact.  It was a SURPRISE!  Of course, Patric quit in January and we got pregnant in February.  Funny how things work!  When we got pregnant with Josh, we got pregnant 3 months after I quit a job and started a new one.  I think I should probably write another post just to document my pregnancy...but it has been so great!

- In January, shortly after Patric quit, I decided we needed to go visit family in Sweden over Josh's spring break - so I bought tickets.  And we got to spend about 9 days in Sweden in April.  I was still in my first trimester, and felt ok for the most part, but there were some days I didn't feel great.  We got to spend time with all of Patric's family, a few of his friends and we even saw his 104 (103 at the time) grandma.  Her brain isn't all there anymore, as she didn't know who we were, but I felt it was important for Patric and Josh to see her.  The day we were leaving to go to Sweden, Josh got sick!  I mean, projectile vomiting sick!  I was like, GREAT!  We get to go in an airplane with a sick kid!  Luckily, he got the entire thing out of his system before we boarded the plane.  I think he had a really good time in Sweden. He got to ride horses, see his cousin compete in a horse competition, go in a hot tub with the men and drink non-alcoholic beer, play with Patric's friend's kids, go to Stockholm, visit with his swedish cousins, etc.

- Josh played soccer again in the Fall and Spring.  I coached the Fall but not the Spring - since we were going to miss too many games.

- Josh swam for the Montclair Seahawks this summer.  He LOVED it.  He also improved by the end of his season again.  I have his ribbons and meet information in his scrapbook.

- We went to NC with my family again.  Megan and Gregg weren't there - they had their fourth child, Greyson, in June.  It is always sad when my sister doesn't come on vacation, but I can fully understand why she wouldn't!  Also, my sister moved to Culpeper in February of this year.  We helped them move, and I was having a hard time (physically)....little did I know I was going to find out I was pregnant shortly after that.  The emotional part of her moving happened in the Fall/Winter of 2013.  When I went to her house around Christmas time, I came home and told is going to happen soon.  Someone is going to buy her house...I just knew it.  And not soon after that, she had an offer that they accepted.  She loves it in Culpeper though and I feel like maybe her move has brought us closer.

- Josh started 2nd grade in early September.  He has Ms. Blevins and he really likes her.  Second grade is a lot more work than first grade!  A lot more testing!  We have to drill him on items he is going to be tested on daily.  He has at least one test a week.  I don't know if I agree with it, but what can I do?  He is learning geometry terms...GEOMETRY TERMS?  He will be tested on them on Friday.  Kind of bizarre to me, since he probably won't even have geometry until he is in high school - but oh well!  We decided not to do soccer this fall, with me being in my third trimester.  He seemed to be ok with it - and it has been nice not having every Saturday devoted to a game!

- Last summer I was called to be the YW President.  I enjoyed that calling and it is amazing how much you can love and care about a group of YW.  I was only YW President for about a year, but I hope they had a good time while I was in there, and also grew spiritually.  Patric was called as EQ President in July - and with me being pregnant and having to bring Josh to meetings, I knew with all that the YW President's role in the ward is, I just wouldn't be the best fit for the calling anymore and let my Bishopric know.  They have an awesome new YW President and I am currently without a calling...and I can't say I am complaining too much about that! : )

- It is October 30.  I am 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  At this time with my pregnancy with Josh I was starting the steps to being induced.  I had high blood pressure all throughout his pregnancy.  It also ended up in a c-section.  I am trying to avoid that this time around - and have a natural birth experience.  My blood pressure has been great and my doctor is totally on board with letting nature take its course.  She will just monitor things as I hit 40-41 weeks more (hopefully I won't hit 41 weeks...let alone 42 weeks!!).  I keep telling myself I will have a baby by Thanksgiving. but in reality, I would LOVE for her to come Saturday or Sunday of this weekend.  Josh was born at 39.5 weeks and he was 8 lbs 14 oz...I am not concerned about size at all!

- In October 2013, we decided it would be a good idea to remodel our master bathroom.  We had gotten a line of credit on the house a year earlier, and spent the majority of that time researching what we would want to do.  We got a few quotes and chose a nice guy.  But unfortunately, things just didn't work out and Patric ended up firing him and finishing the project himself - with the help of a friend and my brother.  It wasn't the most fun project and it took A LOT longer then it should have, but it is nice to have the bathroom done...and soon I hope to enjoy a nice HOT bath again in my clawfoot tub.

Let me see if I remember how to post pictures and I will get some going!  These might be slightly out of order...

A bunch of Swedes in a hot tub

After picture of our bathroom remodel

Before picture of bathroom remodel

Before picture of bathroom remodel

Before picture of bathroom remodel

 I met Beka Larson at girls camp in 2013 - she became a good friend REALLY quickly.  One of our trips to the temple.  She is now married and is Beka Topodas.  Seriously - love this girl!
Beka told us about a tree farm where you can cut your own Christmas trees..Patric was all over it!

Josh sick around Christmas

Christmas morning with my sick boy

The cousins at the beach in 2013

In between remodel of bathroom

Josh and Ella at the park in December 2013

Ice skating with his girl 2013

Josh's first day of 1st grade

First day of first grade

First time Patric voted - it was a local election

Halloween 2013 - I'm batman

Marie and Harry's land in Sweden - from our trip in April 2014

Josh winning his heat for both Freestyle and Backstroke 2014 season

Josh riding his Aunt Marie's horse

I forgot! Johnny Fever came home from his mission this summer!  Took a trip to the temple with him before he headed out to college.

Josh and Angelica (his friend in the neighborhood) Fall 2013

Josh and his 103 (now 104) great grandma in Sweden April 2014

We got A LOT of snow this winter - Josh enjoying it and a day off of school

Josh's first day of 2nd grade

Last swim meet for Josh of the 2014 season

Josh's swim team 2014

Josh's first grade pictures

Josh and Patric in Sweden April 2014

At Junibaken in Sweden April 2014

Josh finally lost some teeth!

Josh dragging poor Carlie in Winter 2014

Mom and I at the beach Summer 2013

Picking our tree for Christmas 2013

We got some professional pictures done in the Fall 2013

Went to Skyline Drive in October 2013

Look at all that snow! Winter 2014

Alright - well that is it for this post - I will post about the pregnancy next!  And try to keep this updated now!