I titled it - Not Pregnant and it was written in August 2012
"I'm sad. I set myself up for failure bad this month. I thought with good eating habits and positive thinking that my body would welcome a pregnancy. I was wrong. I am powerless over of this aspect of my life and it is tearing me to shreds. I love my little boy and really want siblings for him. He wants them too. I don’t think I have ever cried so much after starting my period (except for my miscarriages of course…but those don’t count). I told Patric I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t feel so sad every month….though some months are better than others. Most months I feel empowered and want to try something new.
This month I am throwing in the towel. I quit. I seriously can’t do this anymore. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions I feel. I told Patric to hide my thermometer. I don’t want to know what my body is doing anymore. I wish I never got cervical signs because then I would REALLY be in the dark about my body. Maybe those will go away as well. I am only 29 years old, and have been struggling with this for 3 years. I am healthy by all aspects of my life…and yet, my body just will not get pregnant. I have tried fertility treatments…they didn’t work. I can’t fathom spending 20k on more fertility treatments, so that isn’t going to happen.
I just want to be happy and move on…but it hurts so much to accept this. I want to be able to accept it and move on. I don’t want to cry anymore. But even saying I am done, I can’t do this anymore, makes me hurt. So when will I start to heal? When will I be able to get over not filling my home with children? I find myself wanting to sabotage my eating habits so that I know my body is not healthy to carry a child…granted I have only been doing this for two days now..since I am currently on my period. I don’t want to gain a lot of weight though, as I do want to look good. It will be a constant struggle for me to just eat right and work out no matter what! I don’t want even a hope of getting pregnant. I wonder if I will go so far as to avoid sex during ovulation? I probably won’t..which will cause a sense of hope in me everything month anyway. Maybe I should avoid it?
When people ask me, is this your only son, are you having more? I will answer, yes he is my only, and no I am not having more. Usually I say, if God sends me more…I hate how nosy people are.
One thing that is good is that I am not angry at other people who get pregnant and have babies. There have been too many women that I know who have struggled the last three years for me to ever feel anger or jealousy anymore. I am not the only one with fertility issues. I have never had to go through a still-born birth, or a 20 week loss, or have a child born with disabilities. I have one smart, strong, healthy little boy and I am forever grateful for that. I just want this ache inside of me to go away."
Thank goodness I don't have to have these types of feelings anymore - but I will forever know how to relate and give experience to those who are/have walked in my shoes and show empathy.