Sasha & Patric & Josh & Camilla Too!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Infertility will always be a part of who I am.

I am working on my lap top - a lap top that has been a crappy one to work on, so I stopped using it and worked on my desktop - but with Camilla here I want to be more mobile around the house again...anyway - I found this old Microsoft Word document that I typed up.  Who knew that two years from this writing, I would have another baby in my arms to call my own.

I titled it - Not Pregnant and it was written in August 2012

"I'm sad.  I set myself up for failure bad this month.  I thought with good eating habits and positive thinking that my body would welcome a pregnancy.  I was wrong.  I am powerless over of this aspect of my life and it is tearing me to shreds.  I love my little boy and really want siblings for him.  He wants them too.  I don’t think I have ever cried so much after starting my period (except for my miscarriages of course…but those don’t count).  I told Patric I just can’t do this anymore.  I can’t feel so sad every month….though some months are better than others.  Most months I feel empowered and want to try something new.
This month I am throwing in the towel.  I quit.  I seriously can’t do this anymore.  I hate the rollercoaster of emotions I feel.  I told Patric to hide my thermometer.  I don’t want to know what my body is doing anymore.  I wish I never got cervical signs because then I would REALLY be in the dark about my body.  Maybe those will go away as well. I am only 29 years old, and have been struggling with this for 3 years.  I am healthy by all aspects of my life…and yet, my body just will not get pregnant.  I have tried fertility treatments…they didn’t work.  I can’t fathom spending 20k on more fertility treatments, so that isn’t going to happen.
I just want to be happy and move on…but it hurts so much to accept this.  I want to be able to accept it and move on.  I don’t want to cry anymore.  But even saying I am done, I can’t do this anymore, makes me hurt.  So when will I start to heal?  When will I be able to get over not filling my home with children?  I find myself wanting to sabotage my eating habits so that I know my body is not healthy to carry a child…granted I have only been doing this for two days now..since  I am currently on my period.  I don’t want to gain a lot of weight though, as I do want to look good.  It will be a constant struggle for me to just eat right and work out no matter what!  I don’t want even a hope of getting pregnant.  I wonder if I will go so far as to avoid sex during ovulation?  I probably won’t..which will cause a sense of hope in me everything month anyway.  Maybe I should avoid it?
When people ask me, is this your only son, are you having more?  I will answer, yes he is my only, and no I am not having more.  Usually I say, if God sends me more…I hate how nosy people are.
One thing that is good is that I am not angry at other people who get pregnant and have babies.  There have been too many women that I know who have struggled the last three years for me to ever feel anger or jealousy anymore.  I am not the only one with fertility issues.  I have never had to go through a still-born birth, or a 20 week loss, or have a child born with disabilities.  I have one smart, strong, healthy little boy and I am forever grateful for that.  I just want this ache inside of me to go away."

Thank goodness I don't have to have these types of feelings anymore - but I will forever know how to relate and give experience to those who are/have walked in my shoes and show empathy.


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Camilla is here!

I went to my appointment on Wednesday, Camilla's due date, and there was really no indication that she was going to come anytime soon.  I was ok with it, as my hope was to have her over a weekend, so as to not disrupt much of Josh's life.

Thursday evening, Patric had school, so Josh and I were able to spend some time together.  We watched a movie together, prayed together and he went to bed.  Patric came home from work, and I had suggested that he give me a blessing for the imminent birth of our daughter.  With Josh, we knew I was going to be induced, so we knew when to give a blessing.  I told Patric it may be best to have the blessing now, as I was already 40 weeks and 1 day.  An interesting line of the blessing was, the baby could come at any minute.  I literally stood up from the blessing and my water broke!  I am not even kidding...

I wasn't quite sure if that was what it was...I tiptoed to the bathroom and more gushed out into the toilet.  Then, of course, more and I knew it must be my water - I was not peeing myself!  I was told by my doctor to have a successful VBAC that I shouldn't rush to the hospital.  I had a few contractions over the night, but nothing crazy.  The water continued to gush though..that was gross and uncomfortable!

We walked Josh to school on Friday morning, got everything ready in the house, dropped stuff off at my mom's house and then we headed to the hospital.  By the time I got to the hospital, my water was already broken for 12 hours.  I was checked around 11am, and my cervix was still high and only dilated 1 cm.  We started pitocin and discussed other items with the doctor on call.  I continued to labor, the contractions were coming on stronger - but no further dilation.  I knew I was on a schedule, as hospitals do not like letting a woman go over 24 hours with broken water, because of the risk of infection.  The doctor was not saying anything about c section at this point though, as she knew my desire to have as natural a birth as possible.

The doctor comes in around 4p and nothing has changed still.  I felt like my body hates my desire to VBAC.  After she left the room, I said to Patric, I think we need to pull the plug.  I didn't want to labor another 6 hours without any change and risk Camilla's life either.  I didn't want to have an emergency c-section either, because that poses more risk.  So we called the nurse and doctor back in and said we just wanted to go with another c-section.  I suppose it looks like I quit on my VBAC desires, but more, it was, Camilla is healthy, I am healthy...I don't want to push my luck.  My cervix isn't cooperating and I am not going to continue to pump drugs through to try to get something going if it isn't going to happen.  Plus - my water was now broken for about 18 hours.  I have determined that I have a cervix of steel!

So they let me walk to the operating room - which is much better then having to be wheeled in on a bed (like I did with Josh).  The doctor attempts to do a spinal.  I warned him of my previous c section with Josh and that the epidural was too low for a c section.  But he tried anyway - bless his heart.  He did get the spinal in on the first try...which was much better then the doctor at Fair Oaks.  I had two different doctors and about a million pokes on my back - it was traumatic and I never wanted to go through that again if I could help it.

When the doctor got it in on the first try - I joked with him that he must feel like the king of the world right now.  He was feeling pretty proud of himself- I could tell.  But...then when he tested whether I could feel things - change. The spinal didn't work - and I had to be put under general anesthesia again.  So, out I go - Camilla comes out apparently (not that I was awake) - she had her apgar scores of 7 and 9 - better then Josh - Josh had 5 and 8.  But - she had fluid in her lungs so they took her to the nursery right way to put her on a breathing machine to help her out.

Camilla was born at 5:12p November 7, 2014.  She weighed 7 lbs 11 oz and was 21 3/4 inches long.   My second baby was smaller then my first...which is what I told the doctor at Kaiser back on October 31....not all second babies are bigger!

Anyway - I didn't even wake up and get put back into my room until about 7:30p.  I don't know why I was under for so long this time.  I remember being awake much faster when I had Josh, and I was able to hold him right away after I woke up.  Camilla wasn't ready to come to my room and I wasn't able to get to the nursery.  Patric had to bounce between checking on me and checking on Camilla.  I told him I was fine and to go be with Camilla.  Poor guy was super stressed and worried about both of us!  I don't envy his Friday night!  He also started talking with the pediatrician and my doctors and nurses to get Camilla and I connected.  I was getting annoyed that I wasn't able to hold my baby and they wouldn't let me get up out of bed to go to her.  Finally, around 945p they brought Camilla to me and she was asleep - so I didn't even get to nurse her right away.  When she did finally wake up - she nursed like she had been doing it for years - and the rest is history.

My baby is healthy- I am healthy - though recovering from this c section has been more rough then Josh's.  I was also 23 back maybe that is why it was easier?  Camilla continued to be healthy at the hospital and I was healing well too - so we got out of the hospital around 11am Sunday morning.  It was nice to get out of there so quickly!

I took Camilla to her first doctor appointment after being in the hospital yesterday, and she is already back up to her birth weight.  She dropped to about 7 lbs 6 oz at the hospital, but she was 7 lbs 11 oz two days little girl is an eater!

Josh is so in love with his little sister.  He loves to hold her and kiss her.  He hasn't been too jealous either, which is nice.  I was worried this was going to be such a big change for him and he would hate us - but he says he doesn't and that he loves Camilla.

Here are some pictures of the last few days.
Camilla finally gets her breathing machine off - I still hadn't seen her at this point.
I finally get to meet my little girl.  I am in heaven!
I couldn't stop kissing her!!
She was born with this mark - apparently she sucked on her wrist in the womb.  She still tries to do it now, though her clothes are in the way.
Josh's first meeting of Camilla in the hospital.  He was so excited.
This is our - busting out of the hospital sucka face/outfit.

Patric took this picture after I fed Camilla.  She loves to snuggle and I am happy to snuggle her back.

Her first outfit to visit the doctor.  Perfect in every way.

Josh asked me if he could hold Camilla.  Of course you can!  And then he immediately went to give her a kiss.  This is not a staged photo.

I call this the milk coma...she just finished eating and was out.

We are so excited to have another little one in the home.  Even more blessed that she is healthy!