What a drab last post!

Ok--so moving on from that last post...wow! How depressing! It was good to write it out, and well...lets move on. I was eating really well for like 2 weeks...and then I sucked! I even gave up birthday cake for my birthday...but then the very next week said screw it, lets eat ice cream! We had A LOT of rain...and well, that ruins any type of motivation I have!

We have been trying to build our gluten free bakery. We are in with a wine tasting and restaurant shop in Occoquan. Next weekend, Sept 24 is Occoquan's big craft show so there is no Occoquan Farmer's Market....normally we would be losing money, but Tastefully Yours is going to be ordering our products to sell for that day. I can't stop thinking about having our own shop and just changing Patric's work situation entirely...but we don't have the cash for it : ( We need Patric's paycheck, desperately!

This blog has been void of pictures because my camera has been on the fritz for awhile. I looked on my camera last night and had some great shots!

Who needs snow?? Ella and Josh LOVED sledding in our dirt backyard. This is a day or two before they moved out.
Best friends forever.
A few minutes before they left our lives. I was the only one a blubbering mess...
Yesterday Josh called me into his room. He was very proud of his set up. He has a nice audience for the train race that he set up. I love when Josh plays with his toys!
I went to Joanns for stuff for Andersson's Kitchen, and I always get little crafts for Josh. He and Patric worked on painting a train last night.
Josh did a really good job painting!
Oh...and I chopped my hair off even more...

In other news--
Patric got his "swimmers" checked...his decision, not mine. We have focused so much on "fixing" me...but apparently it is not just me. Thankful for a doctor that said we need to check your husband too..because a lot of doctors will only focus on the female. Well...Patric has a lower, not LOW, but lower count...and bad motility, his morphology is fine...higher ph...basically...we are screwed. haha...well, you know me! I am not going to let that lead our lives. My dr suggests Patric go to a urologist. I went to Dr. Google last night and read about some natural herbs that should help. So now that we know completely what we are up against, and that it isn't just my fault or his fault, we can move forward to try to fix the issue. I read great things about maca root...so we shall see. Patric had a feeling something was wrong with him, and glad for once that I didn't talk him away from something! Oh...and this month was the BEST for intimacy that it has been for a long time with us. I don't know why. But we actually enjoyed each other this month...now we just need to reap the benefits of our enjoyment ; )

So thats that!

Sasha

Blah

Disclaimer on this blog:
What I am about to write should just go in a journal tucked away somewhere to magically take away all that I feel...but...I don't have a journal, this has sort of been my journal, so while I am opening this up to the world to read, I don't want anyone coming up to me to talk about what I write. Feel free to leave messages, but I don't want to be bombarded with information or thoughts or whatever to my face. For once, I ask for you to talk to me behind my back! haha. Also--if you get easily offended, don't read either.

I don't know if I ever wrote that I was doing clomid. I don't know if I wanted that to be out in the blog world or not. If you didn't know...well now you do. And while clomid made me ovulate earlier in my cycle...I did not get pregnant on the three rounds I was prescribed. My doctor only wanted to do three rounds, which I am grateful for because I didn't think it was going to work anyway.

When I think back on how I wanted my life to go, I can tell you, I never thought fertility issues would rock my world. I always had in the back of my mind, oh my husband is going to die young, I never will get married(ha..I got married at 20), I am going to be a Social Worker in a hospital to help families with cancer in the family (if you can believe it...that is what I initially wanted to do with my life), etc.

When we decided to try for a 2nd child in December 2008 I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be here on August 8, 2011 without one or two more children in my arms. Patric and I discussed how many kids we wanted when we were dating. I can assure you, one kid was never in the discussions. And yet, I think that is all we will have. And typing that out is SO hard. I have tried EVERYTHING, within our financial means, to have my own little baby in my arms again. It hurts so much knowing that Josh is growing up so quickly and soon I won't have someone to be with me during the days anymore. I often feel alone (though I know I am not alone...I have a few dear friends that have or are going through what I am). I often want to run away and be by myself. I can't always hide how I feel, I wear my emotions on my face so well.

We have three options now - IUI, IVF and adoption. We don't have the money for IVF and honestly, I just don't think I have the mental capacity to do it. I don't think I could adopt either, though I have often thought about fostering children. This leaves IUI..which we may or may not do. My insurance only covers half of it...and we don't have much cash anyway...and there isn't MUCH higher of a chance doing it anyway.

Going through this has been like going through the grief cycle 12 months out of the year. Every time I am not pregnant that month, I get angry, sad, and then I get over it. Until the next month...and lets do it all again. I just want to move to acceptance that it isn't going to happen and move on with my life. I don't want the emotional rollercoaster anymore. I feel like I am such a horrible mom because I can't see the child in front of me half the time because I am constantly longing for the one I don't have. And if you know my son, you know that he is the most loving and caring little boy ever. I don't think I could have gotten a better kid. So I am VERY grateful to have him.

So...here is my post to say I am moving on. I am accepting the life that has been thrown my way. I am switching the focus back to me...I lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks...think I can do it again? For me, I have to have something to focus on. Obviously I can't say that Patric and I will EVER stop trying because we don't have to wear protection...since we have gone 2.5 years without it! So there is always a chance and there will always be hope. But I can say, I am not going to stop exercising while I wait to know if I am pregnant. I am not going to over indulge in foods I shouldn't eat because hopefully I will just be pregnant anyway. I will TRY to accept the fact that I have friends that will always have more kids than me. I think that is the hardest part. I wish I could be thrown on an island with people who only have one kid and have tried and tried and tried for another and can't conceive...for no apparent reason at all.

I know I have much to be grateful for...so I want to accept this part of my life so I can fully appreciate the other parts of my life that are so great.

Don't be alarmed when you see my super skinny again. I AM eating...I DO want to lose weight, I NEED to have a focus other then trying to get pregnant.

If you have read this from start to finish, I applaud you. It is not uplifting...and I am not trying to be. I have been battling my feelings for so long...trying to put on a happy face when on the inside I am falling apart. It may take me awhile to truly feel happy...I hope not too long. I just want to feel the happiness that I know I have felt, again.

It has been awhile!

We have been pretty busy over here for the past few weeks! I am not complaining. We have gotten orders in for our bakery (www.anderssonskitchen.com) and have gotten GREAT feedback. I don't know if everyone is just being nice, or if they really DO like our stuff...either way it is fun.

We just got an order in for 1 dozen red velvet cupcakes, 1 dozen strawberry cupcakes and an 8in vanilla cake. I am SO excited someone ordered the strawberry cupcakes. It is the first time someone has and I LOVE them. I hope they will too. People have been so generous in passing our cards around and we are grateful for all the support.

In the midst of all this excitement...Patric got a raise. Can you believe it? Three years waiting for this great raise, and it happened so anti-climatic. On pay day, the payroll clerk came to him and said, oh, you got a raise. It wasn't a great raise...in fact, I felt like it was a slap in the face, but a raise is a raise I suppose, and we should be grateful. It still doesn't steer us from getting this bakery REALLY going so that he can get out of there! I called him last week for something and he just sounded SO DOWN. And if you know my husband, he RARELY sounds depressed. He is the happy swede! I asked him what the matter was...and he said that he would talk with me later about it (which only meant one thing to me...he didn't want his jerk of a boss to hear him complaining about him). I have seen my husband look and sound down more then I want to in the five years he has worked there. Actually--he probably enjoyed the first year, it was probably around year 2 and on that we realized this job was not going to be a career for him...but a place to hang for awhile until something better came along. I didn't exactly think the something better would be a gluten free bakery...but you never know what is going to come your way in life.

It has been a bit more chaotic for me then Patric in this adventure because, while yes, I am home with Josh and I SHOULD be able to get the baking under control...I also run an accounting business (if you didn't already know that), and trying to keep Josh entertained through it all. It has been interesting, but I think when we get into the swing of things and when I have Patric home with me (one day...) then it will all be fine.

In other news -

The Terry's are moving out this weekend. It has been 10 months of living with our friends. People can't believe we are still friends after this. It hasn't always been easy, I am sure on both sides, but I would do it again. We are sad to see them leave the state! I think Josh will be moping around for while...longing for his Ella.

Other than that---we have some fun things coming up. We are in the Occoquan Farmer's Market, so our Saturday mornings are determined for us until October 29. We have our niece and her friend, coming to visit from Sweden from July 27 - August 12. We are taking her on our family vacation to the beach in NC. I hope she will be able to handle the chaos! I SO can't wait to go to the beach. I have had many feelings of selling our house recently. I know I won't do it...but it is SO enticing to sell it, take the profit and move to NC. I REALLY have a strong desire to be closer to water. We aren't too far now, but I want to be EVEN closer. Virginia is a great place to live though, because there are always jobs...especially in my industry...and there is money...for our other industry (bakery). We will just have to buy a vacation home and visit a couple of times a year.

And--because this blog has been void of pictures for a while...here are some pics!

Valerie wanted to go to the zoo...and we wanted to come!

This little girl or guy was SO LOUD! He/She was adorable and definitely had a crowd of people watching him.

I love these two together...Brendan and Josh.

Josh decided he wanted to sit on the lap of this bear.

This is SUCH a delicious cake! It is our gluten free cookies and cream cake with cookies and buttercream icing with cake crumbles and ganache.
I learned this technique in my decorating class, so I decided to try it out on a customer. People at her party liked the look of them so much that I got an order, JUST because of that! (well..hopefully because of the taste as well). That is what I love about this...this last order was from someone who is not even gluten free...and it is for her daughter's birthday party. I am honored that she chose to go with us on such an important day!
And--because sometimes I need major changes in my life...
I chopped my hair off.

That's all for now!

Final Weigh in!

So--now that we have stuffed ourselves on this great Father's Day like gluttonous pigs, I must post our final results of this week long soup diet.

Patric lost 9.8 lbs
Sasha lost 7.4 lbs

My stomach is SO SORE from all the crap I ate today...well, it wasn't all crap, but it was certainly more than I have ate the last week! I can't wait to eat well tomorrow and wash away the sugar that I have eaten today.

Sacred Heart Medical Diet - 7

The Final Day! We are finally here. What a long week!

Today - on the menu - Brown rice, unsweetened juice and veggies. Be sure to stuff yourself (not possible) and eat the soup. you can add cooked veggies to your rice if you wish.

I am out of the soup so I went and bought a vegetable campbells soup. I can't eat the other soup anymore, I think its nasty. Patric likes the soup better than campbells...go figure.

Weight loss -

Patric - down 8.9 lbs
Sasha - down 7.2 lbs

I will probably end up only losing like 8 lbs on this diet...so 10-17 my butt! i know its because I haven't eaten enough...I had no energy and no appetite for the food!

Today I filled an order for red velvet cupcakes, and I wanted to make sure they tasted ok. I had to spit the cupcake out so I wouldn't get the calories. What a freakin waste!

Sacred Heart Medical Diet - 6

Day 5 kinda sucked too. Basically, this whole diet sucks. The main problem with it is that it doesn't allow for much of a good breakfast food item. I don't want to eat veggies for breakfast and I don't like eating meat that early either.

Today--meat and veggies. You can have 2-3 steaks if you want even. And make sure you eat the soup at least once. I already resolved to not making more soup, so once we are out, thats it. We are going to have to ration the soup.

Weight loss-
Patric - down 7.7 lbs
Sasha - down 6 lbs

I don't know if we will make the 10-17 lb range. Two more full days of this crap. I do have to say, that it is nice to see the scale lower though...and it HAS made me want to continue to eat healthy after I am done. While it is NOT a diet to do forever, it is a good kick start to better eating habits.

Sacred Heart Medical Diet - 5

Holy Crap! We are finally at day 5...three more full days left of this diet. Yesterday wasn't bad with all the bananas, but the milk gave me a bad taste in my mouth. Oh well!

Patric didn't lose anything from yesterday to today...ha!

Weightloss -

Patric - down 7.2 lbs
Sasha - down 5.6 lbs

Today is meat and tomatoes day. I mean seriously, who wrote this crap? Yesterday I was chatting with some friends and one, Jody Wild, suggested that I start a blog where I just write about different fad diets I am on at the time. I would have to gain weight and lose over and over again, but then I can tie that into Andersson's Kitchen. Pretty funny huh? I have the willpower to do crazy diets, so it could be a funny thing to do..though it will SUCK!

So..I made chicken last night for us to consume today. I have 12 roma tomatoes all ready to eat! And of course...the soup.